Dealing with anxiety

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called To Demi or not to Demi, which was all about if I should do a Demi Moore style photo shoot of me and bump. What this brought up for me was some feelings of anxiety and I thought I should write a post about how deal with my anxiety.

As a youngster, teen and in my twenties I suffered ALOT from anxiety and it was severely deliberating at times. It caused me to fail at things: music exams, driving tests and job interviews. When one of the symptoms of anxiety hit I was completely and utterly incapable of doing anything let alone having a coherent conversation or doing something practical.

So what would happen to me during these times? Well I would first of all start sweating, I would become increasingly paranoid that people were looking at me and laughing at me, I would become really hot and just want to exit whatever situation I was in.

There are two incidents in my life where this happened that made me so sad and so disappointed that eventually I decided that this could be no more. They were both occasions where I had excelled in the written portion of the challenge but when it came to the actual practical I went to pieces and subsequently gave up these things because I couldn’t handle the disappointment.

1) My grade 5 piano exam in 2000. I passed the written theory with a distinction and then failed the practical. I had the pieces and scales down to a tea, flawless, but walked into the room and fell apart. Completely and utterly, bum note after bum note. This killed me and I couldn’t ever bring myself to do it again and have never played in public again. This was 12 years ago.

2) My interview with 6 Music in 2005. I applied to be an intern and got the interview, and I was on cloud nine. My dream in life at that point was to work in the music industry. I eat, slept, drank music and they told me over the phone that my application was one of the best they have ever had. But in the interview I fell apart and couldn’t string a sentence together, let alone convince someone to hire me. Again this caused me to give up and I stopped pursuing the elusive career in radio.

This happened time and time again to me until I was doing a job I didn’t like and wasn’t doing anything that I was passionate about because of the fear of feeling like this again. At 25 I’d had enough. This could not go on forever. I have always had this belief somewhere deep down that I was put on this planet to make a difference. I don’t like the status quo, I don’t like accepting that things are just the way they are because that’s the way we have always done it. I was annoyed with myself that I was hiding all of my potential from the world because essential I was too scared.

So what did I do?

• I went to talking therapy. I got referred by my doctor and had 6 sessions with a wonderful women. We talked about where my anxieties came from. For me this was people judging me and thinking I was ugly, fat and a bit rubbish. I also would take other’s people’s emotions and blame myself, e.g. I would worry if someone at work was in a bad mood, I would become anxious that it was my fault. It was so nice to finally tell someone how I felt as no one really knew. From this point I was able to gain some very valuable self awareness. I had always thought this was the way I was and I couldn’t change but at this point I saw a little light.
• I stopped doing things that caused me anxiety. I did a lot at this point of my life because I thought I should or because it was expected of me and I realised it was OK to say ‘no thank you’.
• I started to explain to people about my anxiety, before this it had always been a very private problem. I found that explaining to people was a good thing because previously people had thought that I was rude and weird. When I started to explain, I found that people were a lot more understanding than I thought.
• I started surrounding myself with the right people, there are people that help me with my anxiety and there are others that fuel it. So I make a conscious effort to be around the people that make me feel amazing.
• I started to understand the good bits of Jo. Instead of focussing on the negatives I started to realise and understand that I have strengths and that to win at this game of life I had to start playing to them. I didn’t have to go out everyday and put myself out there, I physically couldn’t do this. But I had a tool and skill that I could use to my advantage and this was writing and finding the world of blogging. Blogging allowed me to have a voice and share but I could do it comfortably from behind my computer and my blog Who runs the world was born.
• I started running, simultaneously to starting my first blog I took up running, funnily enough that is what the blog is about. Running gave me something that I had not had before. It focussed my mind, it gave me time to spend with just me but in a really positive way. I was achieving something. I got better, I ran further, I could push myself and do better, essentially I could change my mind, my body and my attitude!! If I could do this with running then I could do this with my career and my life right?
• I started Fe-line, my confidence was growing and I was finally ready to do the thing, the thing that was going to make a difference, to put me out there into the world. Fe-line has been my own therapy, through it I have met so many positive, can-do people and when you are in this environment it is infectious.

I still have the odd bout of anxiety but what has changed is that I don’t let it control me. I can put myself into scary situations and survive, because I pushed myself, I worked it out, I know why I do things, I know how I stop things happening and I know that sometimes I just can’t and that’s OK too. Maybe one day I will be able to play the piano in public again but that day is not today.

Love and figuring things out,