Remembering Friends – Phoebe Buffay

This month marks the 20th anniversary of Friends landing on our screens. Twenty whole years – can you believe it? Whether you were a fan of the show or not, there is no denying that it was an inescapable phenomena that dominated the TV listings for years.

At school in the 90’s I, like most of the women in my generation, was expected to identify myself with one of the Friends girls (and a few years later we were expected to declare ourselves a Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda, or Samantha). I always told people I was a Phoebe – the oddball with the quirky sense of humour who was always just that little bit different.

When we first meet her, she comes across as a happy-go-lucky, nice-but-dim hippy; she’s picking bits out of Ross’ aura, she’s singing My Favourite Things to Rachel in an attempt to calm her down, and worrying that pulling out four eyelashes “can’t be good”. But before the end of the pilot episode, this happens:

Phoebe: Give her a break, it’s hard being on your own for the first time.

Rachel: Thank you!

Phoebe: You’re welcome. I remember when I first came to this city – I was fourteen, my mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison – I got here and I didn’t know anybody and I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside Port Authority and then he killed himself and then I found aromatherapy. So, believe me, I know exactly how you feel.

Pause

Ross (to Rachel): The word you’re looking for is ‘Anyway’…

The wonderful thing about this little exchange is Lisa Kudrow’s sarcasm-free delivery. Phoebe actually seems to be empathising with Rachel, who is in the process of cutting up her credit cards and forsaking ‘Daddy’s money’ – trivial compared to what she herself had been through – and this attitude sets up the character for the next ten seasons. Although the rest of the gang had comparatively charmed upbringings, she doesn’t allow this to set her apart or use her experiences to judge the others when they’re upset by run-of-the-mill concerns (with the notable exceptions of her brilliant hormone-fuelled outbursts while pregnant with her brother’s triplets).

Phoebe’s back story was a very brave choice for a sit-com. The past Phoebe had been given could very easily have been the makings of a very dark and tragic character, but instead they made her a survivor who had come out the other side with her sense of humour intact and a determination to see the joy in life. This childlike wonder is beautifully demonstrated in The One Where Phoebe Runs when Rachel tries to get out of jogging with Phoebe because she runs “like a cross between Kermit the Frog and The Six Million Dollar Man”. Phoebe tells Rachel that she understands why she’d be embarrassed and calls her uptight before going on to say “I’m not judging you, that’s just who you are. Me, I’m more free, you know, I run like I did when I was a kid because it’s the only way it’s fun, you know? I mean, didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off?”

Without a darker side, I think Phoebe could easily have wandered into new-age air-head territory which might well have become irritating for the audience. The edginess that comes from her back story keeps the character grounded, her ability to switch to “Street Phoebe” mode means that she can’t be completely discarded. When Phoebe’s past does come back to haunt her, as it does from time to time throughout the series, Lisa Kudrow treads the line between Phoebe’s rawness and the warmth needed for the audience to be able to move on to the gags in the next scene masterfully – something for which I’m not sure she gets given enough credit.

‘Warmth’ is probably the word that best describes Phoebe, no matter what situation she finds herself in, she is always warm, upbeat, and philosophical. Perhaps my favourite Phoebe quote is this from The One With Phoebe’s Ex-Partner where her old singing partner sells Phoebe’s beloved song, Smelly Cat, to a commercial company in a total betrayal of trust. When the gang ask her if she’s ok, she says “Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Cos, you know life, life’s going to hand you all kinds of stuff. You know, you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow.” In classic Phoebe style, she then goes on to change the subject asking if they want to hear her new song which turns out to be a tongue-in-cheek number on the subject of how “Jingle Bitch” screwed her over…

So would I still describe myself as a Phoebe? I think I would describe myself as an aspiring Phoebe; I wish I had her strength and I’d love to have her sense of wonderment. Above all, however, her carefree attitude to being herself regardless of what others may think is something I’m sure we’d all like to have.

Crazy running and excitement for life to you all,

 
 
 
 
 
 
Image Credit: FanPop

Brave Holiday

Every year I get an enviable amount of time off from work for the summer. Every year I do very little with this time. I relax, I spend time with my family and friends, be domestic, eat and drink to my hearts content. All very worthy ways to spend your time, however this year I decided I was going to challenge myself a bit more and dedicate my holiday to being a little more brave. I wholeheartedly acknowledge that none of these acts are quite on a scale with bear wrestling but y’know, baby steps.

 

Challenge 1- Go Sleeveless 

This simple sentence strikes fear into the hearts of women everywhere. The very idea that your upper arms could be visible by other humans would cause many to break out in a cold sweat. This summer I decided that I was not going to be held back by a part of my own body. I won’t lie I was spurred on by the fact that I had recently had a tattoo session on my upper arm and wearing sleeves would just have been plain uncomfortable. So I braved it, I stepped out of my car sans jacket and guess what happened- nothing. I wish I had a marvellous story about how I inspired some people to do something wonderful or I prompted a reaction of some sort from somebody but no. I had a lovely lunch with my mother, chatted to a few people, some we knew and some we didn’t. This simple act made me question what the hell I was so afraid of all along? So I implore you all to embrace your niggly areas and show them off with pride because I promise you, everybody else is far too concerned with hiding their own niggles to even take yours into consideration.

 

Challenge 2- Be Creative

For quite a while my blog hasn’t been inspiring me quite the way it used to. I consistently felt pressure to write something and at the same time I felt guilty because I knew people were taking the time to read it and I wasn’t honouring that time.  So I took a long hard look at my blog. I wrote down all of the reasons I felt it wasn’t working, what was working and how I could progress. After much soul searching, planning and pondering I finally decided that my real calling would be to write a Sex and Body Positive Blog. I will always love fashion and makeup but there are plenty of bloggers out there who do it so very well. It was silly to put myself under pressure to be like others when I had my own unique insights to share. That and I know I will always be positive about talking about sex and sexuality as well as body positivism so there is no fear of me running out of things to talk about. As well as being more creative I decided that it was time to invest in my own creativity. If I wanted others to believe in me, it was time I started believing in my own abilities so I invested in my own domain name. This was a brave new step for me but I felt so much better having made that investment in myself and now I have a website I am absolutely proud to call my own.  Rebelle-ution is still only a baby but it too will grow in time and I can’t wait to see what it will grow into. To celebrate my brand new website I also bought myself a brand new laptop. I have spent the last 3 years working off of a tiny netbook which has tested my patience every step of the way. I will always have a fondness for the little purple machine but now I have a bigger, faster, stronger purple device to assist me with my writing. Consequently, I also swear much less when writing.

 

Challenge 3- Wearing Something Different

I am the undisputed queen of black clothing. I wear black to everything. It’s not because I am trying to hide away, I have purple hair, I’m not going to hide anywhere. I just find that black is practical, stylish and can easily transition from casual to formal. I also noticed that I have stopped looking for colours when shopping. So when it came to a family event I decided it was time to branch out and find something that wasn’t black. Alas, I was on a budget so this stretched the challenge a little further. However I did find a pretty tea dress, in my size and was not black. Ok, it was a purple shade of grey with pink love hearts, it was hardly a rainbow bright dress but it wasn’t black and I loved it. It was also nice to be able to differentiate myself in a photograph and actually see my body instead of a sea of black layering.

Challenge 4- Be Selfless 

All too often people, myself included, put themselves out there because they crave recognition. This holiday, I undertook a number of tasks to help others just to be helpful to them without any gain to myself. I won’t discuss these acts because that would be completely counter productive. However I will tell you about helping the dog to overcome her fear of water. Our Labrador Lilly is absolutely terrified of water. When she was a puppy my sisters genius of an ex-boyfriend thought it would be a great idea to throw her into a lake to teach her how to swim. It didn’t, it did teach her that water is scary and is to be avoided. Since then she has been absolutely terrified of all forms of water, heavy rain, being washed, even her water bowl being filled. So instead of having the poor creature a nervous wreck around water I decided it was time to take her swimming. Obviously this took place over a number of visits to the water and involved me going into the water with the dog but I am happy to say that she is much less scared of the water now. Just this morning when we went to the river she trotted into the water of her own accord and when we went walking in the river she even wagged her tail a few times. I realize this isn’t a huge deal for most of you and many of you will have proof that I am a mental case but I couldn’t be prouder of my furry niece.

Challenge 5- Putting Myself out There

The biggest thing I did this summer was to put my money where my mouth is and put myself out there. The first thing I did was to contact an Adult Toy and Lingerie Company I admire and I told them all the reasons that I wanted to work for them. They agreed we would be a good fit and now I am a sex educator for Canoodle.ie. There are a number of other organisations I have also been in contact with to discuss collaborative partnerships and I can’t go into details yet but so far it is looking like we will be working together on projects in the future. An artist I admire put out a call looking for full figured folks to pose for paintings. So I put my name forward and then wrote a post explaining my motivations for doing so. I received a huge amount of positive responses from people across the world who shared their stories of bravery and inspiration. I was truly overwhelmed by the number of people who were influenced by one piece of writing. For me it just showed how, if you take a leap of faith and put yourself out there, that people can react in the most amazing unexpected ways.

 

Ok so my holiday didn’t result in a whirlwind romance and I certainly didn’t get a tan but I did get something that will last so much longer. I will be returning from my break a whole lot braver. Like I said these steps weren’t astounding but like teaching Lilly to swim they took a little but of time and a little bit of bravery and one day we will look back at this whole process and wonder what we were so afraid of in the first place. So please fe-liners go, do, be brave! Challenge yourself! No matter how small you perceive that effort to be you’re still more free than those  too frightened to try. I wanna see you be brave.