Dealing with anxiety

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called To Demi or not to Demi, which was all about if I should do a Demi Moore style photo shoot of me and bump. What this brought up for me was some feelings of anxiety and I thought I should write a post about how deal with my anxiety.

As a youngster, teen and in my twenties I suffered ALOT from anxiety and it was severely deliberating at times. It caused me to fail at things: music exams, driving tests and job interviews. When one of the symptoms of anxiety hit I was completely and utterly incapable of doing anything let alone having a coherent conversation or doing something practical.

So what would happen to me during these times? Well I would first of all start sweating, I would become increasingly paranoid that people were looking at me and laughing at me, I would become really hot and just want to exit whatever situation I was in.

There are two incidents in my life where this happened that made me so sad and so disappointed that eventually I decided that this could be no more. They were both occasions where I had excelled in the written portion of the challenge but when it came to the actual practical I went to pieces and subsequently gave up these things because I couldn’t handle the disappointment.

1) My grade 5 piano exam in 2000. I passed the written theory with a distinction and then failed the practical. I had the pieces and scales down to a tea, flawless, but walked into the room and fell apart. Completely and utterly, bum note after bum note. This killed me and I couldn’t ever bring myself to do it again and have never played in public again. This was 12 years ago.

2) My interview with 6 Music in 2005. I applied to be an intern and got the interview, and I was on cloud nine. My dream in life at that point was to work in the music industry. I eat, slept, drank music and they told me over the phone that my application was one of the best they have ever had. But in the interview I fell apart and couldn’t string a sentence together, let alone convince someone to hire me. Again this caused me to give up and I stopped pursuing the elusive career in radio.

This happened time and time again to me until I was doing a job I didn’t like and wasn’t doing anything that I was passionate about because of the fear of feeling like this again. At 25 I’d had enough. This could not go on forever. I have always had this belief somewhere deep down that I was put on this planet to make a difference. I don’t like the status quo, I don’t like accepting that things are just the way they are because that’s the way we have always done it. I was annoyed with myself that I was hiding all of my potential from the world because essential I was too scared.

So what did I do?

• I went to talking therapy. I got referred by my doctor and had 6 sessions with a wonderful women. We talked about where my anxieties came from. For me this was people judging me and thinking I was ugly, fat and a bit rubbish. I also would take other’s people’s emotions and blame myself, e.g. I would worry if someone at work was in a bad mood, I would become anxious that it was my fault. It was so nice to finally tell someone how I felt as no one really knew. From this point I was able to gain some very valuable self awareness. I had always thought this was the way I was and I couldn’t change but at this point I saw a little light.
• I stopped doing things that caused me anxiety. I did a lot at this point of my life because I thought I should or because it was expected of me and I realised it was OK to say ‘no thank you’.
• I started to explain to people about my anxiety, before this it had always been a very private problem. I found that explaining to people was a good thing because previously people had thought that I was rude and weird. When I started to explain, I found that people were a lot more understanding than I thought.
• I started surrounding myself with the right people, there are people that help me with my anxiety and there are others that fuel it. So I make a conscious effort to be around the people that make me feel amazing.
• I started to understand the good bits of Jo. Instead of focussing on the negatives I started to realise and understand that I have strengths and that to win at this game of life I had to start playing to them. I didn’t have to go out everyday and put myself out there, I physically couldn’t do this. But I had a tool and skill that I could use to my advantage and this was writing and finding the world of blogging. Blogging allowed me to have a voice and share but I could do it comfortably from behind my computer and my blog Who runs the world was born.
• I started running, simultaneously to starting my first blog I took up running, funnily enough that is what the blog is about. Running gave me something that I had not had before. It focussed my mind, it gave me time to spend with just me but in a really positive way. I was achieving something. I got better, I ran further, I could push myself and do better, essentially I could change my mind, my body and my attitude!! If I could do this with running then I could do this with my career and my life right?
• I started Fe-line, my confidence was growing and I was finally ready to do the thing, the thing that was going to make a difference, to put me out there into the world. Fe-line has been my own therapy, through it I have met so many positive, can-do people and when you are in this environment it is infectious.

I still have the odd bout of anxiety but what has changed is that I don’t let it control me. I can put myself into scary situations and survive, because I pushed myself, I worked it out, I know why I do things, I know how I stop things happening and I know that sometimes I just can’t and that’s OK too. Maybe one day I will be able to play the piano in public again but that day is not today.

Love and figuring things out,

 

 

Say hello to team Fe-line

I have loved running Fe-line for the last couple of years, but I have to say that two and half years all alone at Fe-line HQ has become quite a lonely affair. So I am very very pleased to announce that my years of solitude are over and I have taken on not one, not two, but three lovely colleagues to help me run the blog and relaunch the Fe-line events around Oxfordshire from September.

I realised after having Frankie and still trying to run Fe-line and The Wandering Kitchen that something had to give. I can’t do everything myself and I want Fe-line to develop and blossom not slowly fade away under a pile of dirty nappies and In the night garden toys. Also Fe-line is all about the female collective, so really it should be run by a female collective, right?

So who are these mysterious new women? Well they aren’t really mysterious, you may remember them from such Fe-line blog posts as Love Oxford: Knitting Clubs, Bridget Jones: Who we love, just as she is and Nature notes. Yes my wonderful new team mates are Anaïs Higgins, Debs Wardle and Rosie Jacobs.

Anaïs has been blogging for Fe-line for the past 7 months but has been on board with the brand since day one. She was one of the traders at the very first Frock ‘N’ Roll event and has also been a keen shoe phoner in the past. Anaïs brings with her a wealth of marketing experience and can organise the socks off any event.

Debs has also been blogging for Fe-line for the last 7 months and was the first person I told about my idea for Fe-line. On a work trip to Munster in 2010 I told her I wanted to leave the 9-5 and start my own business, I wasn’t really sure of what it consisted of at the time but pink and grey would be involved. Rather than thinking I was totally insane, Debs is now on board and I super excited to be working with her again. Debs will continue to be the voice of the and take control of all things post it note related.

Rosie has been blogging for Fe-line for 2 months and when I met her for coffee I instantly knew she was Fe-line. It was something about the amazing dress with little black boots combo that she was rocking. Rosie runs pop-up shop Kinship of Oxford and has been running her own craft fairs in East Oxford. She has great style and excellent taste and adds an edge of sophistication to Fe-line.

So please give my new team a big massive welcome, WOOOO, go Team Fe-line!!

If you would like to meet the new team we will be having brunch in The Royal Oak on Woodstock Road after the Race for Life on Sunday 13th July at 12:00pm or if that’s a little early for you then we will be having drinks in The Jam Factory on Thursday 24th July at 8pm.

For all of you non-Oxford residents fear not, come and say hi over on Twitter during #felinehour, 8-9pm GMT on Tuesday evenings.

Love and awesome female collectives,

 

 

Thank you for the photos, Little Miss Joey