Sorry Mum

 

Looking back at my youth I have to say I was quite a bolshie and strong willed individual, this probably doesn’t surprise some of you reading this. There was one person that often got it in the neck and faced the brunt of my behaviour and that was my Mum. I wasn’t a child that particularly wanted to be mothered and one of my favourite sayings was: “I can do it myself.” But you know as they say ‘what goes around comes around’ and now I have my own little bundle of independence  and it has made me understand my Mum in a way I never did before.

You know as you grow up you hear certain family stories over and over again. One of the ones I have heard from my Mum many many times was the story of how I stopped breast feeding. Apparently I didn’t have to be weaned, I just decided one day that that was that and pointed at my sisters sippy cup as if to say I want what she’s having. I never understood why this tale came with such a feeling of rejection. I would think ‘it’s only breastfeeding Mum, why are you overreacting.’

Then the same thing happened to me, The Babe decided at 3 months old that enough was enough, he no longer wanted to be breast fed. I didn’t think I would care that much as I hadn’t really been that keen about the idea of breast feeding during my pregnancy, but I was inconsolable for a whole weekend, I was a wreck, I can only liken it to a feeling of mourning. I could suddenly understand where my Mum had been coming from and just thought ‘oh s*&t I need to say I’m sorry.’

Before having The Babe I had never really thought about the way my Mum must have felt about having me, my sister and my brother or the complex emotions she must have been through. Another story I have heard again and again growing up is the one about when I was really ill as a 6 month old baby and nearly died. This story never bothered me before I had The Babe, it was just a thing that happened and people talked about. Now I can’t even imagine how my Mum must have felt, it makes me feel a little bit sick! I suppose it is a lesson in many ways about how you can never really understand something or someone until you have experienced it yourself. I can really talk to my Mum in a new way about things I didn’t think she would understand, like about body image and how I feel about my post pregnancy body (I think I have a blog about this one too).

So what does it mean for me and my boy? Well he is definitely like me, he can’t talk yet but all his actions imply “I can do it myself.” He doesn’t like being held like a baby, he is already sitting, he is so impatient to move, to eat and do whatever the big kids are doing. I am going to encourage this independent streak because this is him and even at 4 months old, he is his own person. But now I know why this is easier said that done. Unfortunately not everything in this world is black and white and being a parent falls into a grey area. You want your kids to be independent and be able to handle the world themselves but you also want to help them and you don’t want them to fall or hurt themselves. But sometimes you don’t learn unless you fall or hurt yourself. A total catch 22 situation and this is why I say: “sorry Mum I didn’t understand, but now I do.”